İlişkinin hastalığında, sağlığında; ‘İlişki hakkında konuşmak’

9.464 Yorum / Yazan / Mayıs 19, 2023

İlişkiler hakkında yerli-yersiz çokça konuşmayı seven bir yapıda oldukça, dostlarımız, arkadaşlarımız, yakınlarımız, komşumuz, iş arkadaşlarımızın ilişkilerine ve kendi ilişkilerimize de dair, onlarla paylaştıklarımız ve paylaşmadıklarımızla da aslında kurgudan da öteye gitmeyen bir yolda buluruz çoğu zaman kendimizi. Bu kurgusallığı genellikle gerçekliğe eş tuttuğumuz yerde ise çıkılan bu yolda kazaların olması kaçınılmazdır.

Eşiyle sık sık yaşadığı çatışmaları anlatıp, ilişkisinin kötü gittiğini söyleyen kişinin dostu:
” -Ben sana söylemiştim, kocan seni önemsemiyor, önemseseydi şunları şunları  yapardı, boşuna ömrünü onunla tüketiyorsun.” diye yorum yaptığı anda aslında ne yapmaktadır?

Ya, nasihat verenler ne yapmaktadır çifte:
” -Bak kızım/oğlum ondan sana eş olmaz, eş dediğin şu şu özelliklere sahip olmalıdır. Bunlar olmazsa boşanırsınız üç günde, demedi deme”

Ya da,” -Bu kadın seni gizlice yönetiyor, farkında değilsin, kılıbık oldun çıktın.” diyen bir akraba aslında ilişkilerinin problemli olduğu dönemde çifte ne söylemeye çalışmaktadır. Aslında ” hiçbir şey ” .El yordamıyla bir şeyler bulup, görünürde iyi niyetli olduklarını söyledikleri ve göstermeye çalıştıkları yerde(acaba) çiftin ilişkisinin hastalığını iyice arttırabilmektedirler.

Bilmediği bir zaman diliminde bilmediği bir ‘an’ da olan biten bir şeyler yüzünden ilişkinin varoluşuna dair yorumlarda bulunulmaktadır. Hatta daha da öncesine gidersek, o iki kişi yani çiftimiz ilişkilerinin tam olarak tanımında mutabık kalmışlar mıdır ki, başkaları kalabilsin? İlişkileri nasıl kurulmuştur, ya da birbirlerine dair hissedişleri nasıldır? Bu bilgilerin hiçbirine sahip olunmayan yerde çiftin ilişkisini, aynı bir kahin gibi geçmişi ve geleceğiyle görebildiğini söyleyen insanlar korosunun şarkılarını çiftimiz dinlemek zorunda kalabilmektedir. Ve ne kadar dışarıda kalabilse de yakın bağların olduğu yerde etkileşim de mümkün olabilmektedir.

                Bu yüzden aslında içinde ne olup-olmadığını bilmediğimiz mağaralara girip, karanlıkta el yordamıyla bir şeyler buldum diye yanımızdaki insana da gösteriyoruz tam da ne olduğunu bilmediğimiz halde.

Çiftler, ilişkileriyle ilgili kendi aralarında da, etraftakilerle de mümkün olduğunca az konuşmalılardır. Gıyabında yapılan bu yorumlar ilişkide sıkıntılar yaratabilmektedir. Özellikle ilişkinin hastalığında, zaten çiftlerin sıkıntı yaşadıkları yerde bir de bu yorumlar ilişkiyi daha da hastalandırabilmektedir. İlişkinin sağlığında da yorumlar, bazı şüphelere sebep olabilmekte, çiftin partneriyle iyi olduğu ilişki aralığı zaman içinde daha da daralabilmektedir.

Diğer insanların farklı bir noktadan baktıkları yerde, çift bambaşka bir biçimde durabilmektedir. Zaman içerisinde ilişki zaten durağan bir yapıda durmadığı için, ilişki hastalanmış ve tedaviyi gerektiriyor olabilir. Ancak, bu tedavi ilişkiyi anlayabilecek ve sağlıklı bir değerlendirmede bulunabilecek bir uzmanın elinde olmalıdır. Terapi seanslarında dahi, uzmanların çok kolay yorumlarda bulunamadığı bir yerde, dost, aile, akrabalar bir çok isabetsiz yorumlarda bulunabilmektedirler.

Özellikle ilişkinin hastalanmasında, belli bir karara varmak istenilen noktada, çiftlerin aileleri, dostları, akrabaları da büyük bir yüreklilikle (!) devreye girmektedir. Çift ise kendi ilişkilerine kendilerinin olduğu halde bakamadıkları noktada yorumların da etkisinde kalarak ilişkideki keyifsizlikleriyle birlikte yanlış kararlar alıp, ilişkinin gerçekliğini kaçırabilme olasılıkları bulunabilmektedir.

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